Unrequieted
by Kimmimaru
Summary: 'I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it. I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded That for me it isn't over.' - Adele 'Someone Like You' Sirius is the victim of a broken heart, something he had laughed at before, but now...(JP/SB One-Way. JP/LE)


_**AN: A random little one-shot. Please enjoy and I would love any Concrit (Stress on the CONSTRUCTIVE bit) or any comments in general. Thank you. :)**_

**Unrequited**

"Sirius? Sirius, oi!"

Fingers snapped in front of Sirius' face made him jump a little, he blinked as he finally returned to earth from his intense and rather pleasant day dream. He turned to the boy at his side, messy hair, golden rimmed spectacles and bright, inquisitive hazel eyes. He forced a smile, hiding the momentary pang of pain. "Sorry, drifted off there." He said dismissively and James clapped him on the shoulder, his fingers digging into the muscle once before relaxing. Sirius was forced to hide a shudder as unwanted excitement exploded in his gut.

"Thinking about McDonald again? Everyone knows what you and she got up to in that cupboard on the third floor. Well done mate."

Sirius smirked; it was hard not to tell him that the rumours concerning his alleged intimate encounter with Mary McDonald had been started by her and were actually a huge exaggeration of what had actually transpired. He allowed the rumour because the truth was far too humiliating. It had begun with her asking him on a date to Hogsmeade, he had agreed if only to attempt to continue the pretence of what he deemed 'the social norm'. It had been friendly and easy at first, the flirting was kept to a minimum so he didn't feel any pressure to put on an act. Then, when they returned to the castle she had pulled him into a cupboard, slammed him against the wall, stood on her tippie toes and tried to kiss him. He had had great difficulty in fending her off and when he had finally pushed her away she had pouted in irritation.

_Why did you stop me? According to Martha Gorge you're an animal in bed._

He hadn't been able to answer, she didn't need to know that before that particular encounter he had had to imbibe a potion that would allow him to actually do the deed. Instead he put his hands on her shoulders and kissed her cheek.

_I'm sorry…There's…someone else. I can't tell you who but they're…_

_Special, right? Special and they don't even see you?_

Sirius had been forced to agree, her face had been so understanding, so pitying he had felt a wave of intense self-disgust. It was bad enough that he was forced to constantly hide his true identity from his friends, let alone that he had been falling in love with his closest male friend. She had no idea of the truth, he had become a good actor. He smiled and nodded, she returned his kiss and told him she would keep his secret before leaving him alone in the dark, surrounded by the chemical smell of cleaning products.

"Sirius? Sirius Black!"

He jumped again, a nervous little movement that sent acidic yellow sparks flying from the tip of his wand. "Oh…Oh sorry…" He muttered roughly, clearing his throat with a frown.

"Lost you again…" James said with a brief smile before his face fell into a concerned frown, without a moment's hesitation he reached up and pushed his hand beneath Sirius' fringe and rested it against his forehead. Sirius looked up at it briefly before a small, genuine smile touched his lips.

"I'm not sick." He said softly, taking hold of James' wrist and bringing his hand away from his head. He allowed himself a tiny moment of weakness, his thumb gently smoothed the soft flesh of James' palm as they smiled at each other. Finally he forced himself to release him. "I'm alright, Jamie, don't worry."

"You've been acting weird for a week now, Pads." James said in a low, confidential tone that muffled their conversation from Flitwick as he bounced past their table. "Half the time it's like you're not even there…the fire is lit but there's no potion in the cauldron."

"I know, I'm sorry. It's…it's the exams…" He said, gladly pouncing on the first excuse that came to his head. "They're not called NEWTS for nothing, mate."

"Well…if that's all it is." James replied, his frown telling Sirius that he didn't believe a word.

**JP/SB-JP/SB-JP/SB**

The common room was full, Sirius' eyes scanned the crowd of Gryffindor's, searching for James' messy hair. He spotted him sitting at a small table, Sirius' face split into a bright, exquisitely beautiful smile that attracted looks from all who stood nearby. He lifted a hand and pushed his fringe from his eyes, the movement made girls sigh and blush but he remained utterly unaware of his surroundings. He began making his way towards James, his eyes fixed upon him intently, he pushed others aside ignoring the irritated mutters he was gaining. As he drew closer, only a few steps and he would reach him, he opened his mouth to speak; "Jami-" He stopped abruptly as a girl with fiery red hair moved before him and took the seat that should have been his, he watched as she leaned close, smiling at James who grinned back. They began talking as if they had been friends forever. Sirius felt an awful, freezing cold numbness sink deep into his bones, his breathing hitched a little and he clenched his teeth before slowly releasing his pent up breath and closing his eyes. He turned, feeling like he was drowning, and forced himself to walk away.

The portrait hole was just up ahead, he reached it and was about to crawl into the tunnel but before he could it opened and he was forced back a step. "Oh! Hello Sirius." Remus said, quickly adjusting the stack of books in his arms, when he finally turned his attention onto his friend's face he noticed how pale he was, he looked as if he was coming down with Dragon Pox. "Are you alright? You look sick…"

Sirius forced a smile, it must have been hideous because Remus recoiled a little. "'M fine." He said, his voice cracking a little, his eyes betraying him as they slid across the room to where James sat flirting loudly with Evans. "Absolutely spiffing…'Scuse me…" He pushed Remus aside, a little more roughly than he had first intended so he stumbled a little but Sirius couldn't bring himself to apologise, he knew that he would probably throw up on Remus' shoes if he dared open his mouth again. So, instead, he dived into the portrait hole and escaped.

Remus noted where Sirius' eyes had gone, he looked at James and frowned before realisation dawned on him. He sighed heavily and moved through the room, he spotted Peter sitting and playing Gobstones with a sixth year. "Pete, take these up to the dorms for me, please?"

Peter took one look at the stack of books before sighing. "Is it Sirius again?" He asked as Remus placed the books by his side.

"You know him as well as I do." Remus said softly and shook his head before glancing at James and Lily again. "He's rubbish at hiding his emotions."

"Yeah." Peter watched Remus move towards James before turning back to his game.

"James?"

"Remus!" James was grinning from ear to ear, his eyes glittered behind his glasses and he looked as if he had died and gone to heaven. Remus gave Lily a smile before returning his attention to his best friend again.

"I need to borrow a piece of parchment from you." The line was a code they had all agreed on when they had created the marauder's map, it was simple and utterly benign, easy to hide the true meaning and avert suspicion when in front of others.

"Ah, right…here." James reached into the pocket of his robes and withdrew a wad of battered looking parchment. "Is it an emergency?" He asked casually, yet Remus heard the real meaning; _Is it Sirius? What's he done now?_

Remus considered hinting at the truth to James but decided against it. "No, it's just I need to take some notes." _Everything's fine. Don't worry about him._

James' eyes narrowed briefly before he nodded reluctantly. "Ok."

"I'll see you later." _I'll sort him out. _Remus turned away and left James to his flirting.

**JP/SB-JP/SB-JP/SB**

There was loud bang, the door rattled on its hinges as Sirius pressed his forehead against the cool wood. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, trying to control his intense emotions. He had never been very good at control, his parents had always berated him for being utter rubbish at Occlumency. He had had no idea just how much his heart could ache. When he had been younger, he had scoffed at the poets romantic use of a 'broken heart' he had called them all weak, laughing at the cheesy cliché, but now, now he realised that maybe it was true. A broken heart was a genuine condition but, like Lycanthropy, it had no cure. It had only taken the glaring truth (which he had so studiously ignored) that the object of his intense infatuation was, in fact, uninterested in him, to make him realise it. It was stupid, he had always known that James Potter would never see him as anything more than a friend but there had been a tiny, unacknowledged, rebellious piece of hope buried somewhere deep inside him. He sighed heavily, his arm, which rested against the toilet door above his head, ached from the pressure he was placing on it with his head. He was an idiot. A stupid, pathetic creep who fell in love with the one person he could never have. James was his best friend, he was _straight_ for crying out loud! What on earth had made him even entertain the notion that he had even the smallest chance? He gave voice to a low, terrifying bark of humourless laughter before stifling it quickly, hoping no one had heard it.

Of course, James was not totally innocent in his role. He had helped fan these dangerous flames that now resided in Sirius' heart. "But we were kids…we were…messing around…" But Sirius couldn't lie to himself, even aloud, for him the experience had meant so, so much more than it had for James.

**JP/SB-JP/SB-JP/SB**

"_Sirius?"_

"_Mm…"_

"_Padfoot!"_

"_Go'way…"_

"_Black! Wake up!"_

_Sirius cracked open one eye, looking up into James' moonlit face. "Potter…if you've woken me up for some stupid-stupid reason, I'll k-k-kill you…" He muttered through several wide, jaw breaking yawns. Slowly he sat up, the Potters' camp bed groaning under his weight. _

"_It's not stupid, just listen." James' eyes had been alight with an odd, feverish excitement and Sirius had instantly been intrigued. When he had explained, in hesitant words, that it would be ok for them to experiment because it didn't mean anything. He said, rather quickly and with continuous glances at the wall, that it was perfectly normal for two boys who shared a room to 'help each other out', it wasn't gay or anything. Sirius had sat in silence as James explained himself into a spiral, finally he took hold of James' wrist, halting him in mid-sentence. The moment had been intense, their eyes meeting and locking together for a long moment before Sirius had leaned close, his lips brushing his best friends. _

"_Ok…let's see what happens." He had breathed, his eyes closed, unwilling to shatter the spell that held them both._

"_I-It's…it's not gay, right?" James whispered, nerves obvious in his trembling voice._

_Sirius had allowed himself a moment of weakness, surely one night wouldn't hurt? Maybe it would even put to rest the vivid dreams he had been having. "No. It's not gay, like you said, it's perfectly normal."_

"_Yeah, right. Of course." Confidence had returned to James' voice and Sirius revelled in the feel of his breath against his lips…_

_Just once, it couldn't hurt. He only needed to prove to himself that the dreams were just dreams and he was a perfectly normal, healthy straight sixteen year old boy. Only once and it would put to rest the horribly confusing feelings he had been plagued with, just once and maybe it would make him realise that it had only been mild curiosity. _

_He had been wrong. So terribly, painfully wrong. But in that moment, when James' lips had met his and his hand had tangled in his hair, it didn't matter. In that single, shining moment he had truly been alive. It was as if a light had been cast upon him, he was bathed in warmth, he was finally, finally home…_

**JP/SB-JP/SB-JP/SB**

Sirius opened his eyes, he sighed heavily again and straightened himself before opening the toilet stall door and shuffling over to the sinks. He bent over one of them and turned on the tap, for a long time he simply stared blankly at his reflection. He was seventeen years old and still moping around after his best friend, a man who had been his rock through every cruel beating from his parents, who had rescued him from certain despair when he had finally broken free from his family and run. A man who had held him close in the dark of night as he had shaken and sobbed into his pyjama's, a man who had seen him at his best and worst. He was the biggest fool alive.

After a shuddery breath he lowered his head and splashed water over his face, allowing the cold to sooth his burning eyes. Finally he turned away from his reflection and spotted a figure standing in the shadows of the door, he stepped back a step as that someone moved forward, into the light.

"Sirius…" Remus' face was full of sympathy, the expression so open and so innocently heartfelt and he felt his final emotional walls collapse. He flung himself into Remus' arms and buried his burning face into his hair, he stayed like that, holding Remus tightly and refusing to raise his head. Remus allowed him to hide from his emotion, he stayed perfectly still even though Sirius was far heavier than he was and he was having difficulty in staying upright. He allowed him to hold on until his shoulder's stopped shaking.

"I'm the universes biggest idiot." Sirius' broken, muffled voice whispered from Remus' shoulder.

"No, no you're not." Remus patted his friend on the shoulder gently. "We all let emotions get the better of us at times…and I know that James is…special to you in ways that even you can't understand, I see it in the way you look at him. Sometimes, we fall for the wrong people and it hurts but eventually we get used to it, we learn to live with it…you will too."

Slowly Sirius disengaged from the embrace, he wiped at his eyes furiously and laughed a little roughly. "Fucking hell, I'm acting like a five year old! Sorry…" He sniffed and turned his back on his friend. "I'm a-alright now."

"Come on, let's go get some fresh air." Remus smiled and Sirius turned to him, his eyes dark and lifeless behind his fringe.

"Can I live with this?" He whispered, his face far too pale.

"You can because you have to. James is in love with Lily, he always has been…you'd be an awful friend if you came between that."

"I know…it's just that I-I…I'm not sure if I can watch them start to date, be forced to listen to them as they start fucking in the dorm…maybe even stand at his side at the alter if it goes that far. I really don't think I'm strong enough."

"You're stronger than you're giving yourself credit for, Sirius. Give it time, you'll do it."

"Does it ever get any easier?"

"No…no it doesn't." Remus replied, a small, sad smile on his lips.

**JP/SB-JP/SB-JP/SB**

"And now I pronounce you Husband and Wife…you may kiss the bride."

Sirius smiled along with everyone else, he clapped, he slapped his best friend on the back. He spoke his speech at the wedding, which made several people cry and James to give him an unfathomable look. Hell, he almost cried himself, but managed to pass it off by 'accidentally' getting Champaign in his eye when he raised his glass far too quickly and it sloshed out. He watched them dance, bodies pressed close, their eyes locked and utterly blind to everything around them. He smiled, he clapped, he congratulated…

He hurt. He drank. He was carried home by Remus who put him to bed.

Later, he crawled out of his bed and snuck into the next bedroom, he slipped silently beneath Remus' duvet and curled up beside him. Neither of them spoke, even as their fingers entwined beneath the sheet, Sirius fell asleep with Remus' comforting warmth surrounding him and a last whisper that echoed through his dreams for the rest of his life;

_You're a cruel man, Sirius Black…_

**END NOTE: A little love-triangle going on here…in case it was unclear. Sirius is in love with James (obvious) and Remus is in love with Sirius. I made it deliberately complicated as I am writing it from Sirius' perspective mostly and Sirius is utterly blind and deaf to Remus' feelings. It's short, it's not the best thing I've ever written before but I am desperately trying to write through a bloody block I'm having so please, forgive me if I post random little soppy one-shots for a while…*Sigh***


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